


Festering

by Flamingbluepanda



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Anger, Booker / Accountability, Catharsis, Families of Choice, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe deserves to be angry okay, With a Smattering of Immortal Husbands to Boot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:14:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26537152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamingbluepanda/pseuds/Flamingbluepanda
Summary: Fes*terVerb(of a negative feeling or a problem) become worse or more intense, especially through long-term neglect or indifference."anger which festers and grows in his heart"
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 6
Kudos: 114





	Festering

**Author's Note:**

> My brain randomly decided that Joe deserves to yell at Booker and his family for Not Letting Him Be Angry. Let him Be Upset people He Got TORTURED!!!!
> 
> this isn't inspired by various fandom discourse at all, what are you talking about. This is also unbetaed!
> 
> Dedicated to... hmm... wolf! wolf leads the discord and was the first person to agree that Joe deserves to go tf off

Booker was back. 

Joe knew he needed to be, knew that Kozak was hunting them and there was safety in numbers. Copley had told them weeks ago about her vendetta and Joe had agreed - they would go pick up Booker.

But now…

He loves his family. He loves every single member of it so much, he would die for them in a heartbeat. Repeatedly. In every painful way he could dream up. 

But if Nile gave him one more side-eyed glance when he walked away from Booker’s attempts at conversation, Joe was going to lose his goddamn mind.

Nile had made it no secret that she didn’t agree with the 100-year exile. She’d been fairly blatant about it - if she thought that loudly discussing mental health and the importance of family was  _ subtle  _ then Andy had a  _ lot  _ to teach her about life with her head down. 

It had only gotten worse now that Booker was here. Here, and trying  _ so hard  _ to interact with Joe, to fall back on the old lines and find his safe ground. 

Only there was no safe ground because Joe was  _ still goddamn angry. _

Some part of him hated it, wanted to hug Booker and forgive him. He hated feeling like he couldn’t talk to his brother without exploding, hated the fact that he wanted to cry every time Booker  _ looked  _ at him. 

Their current safe house was a cabin in the Appalachian mountains. They were moving every two days, sleeping in shifts so that someone could always be keeping watch. Everyone was exhausted and antsy and the kitchen was  _ too small  _ for everyone cleaning their guns at once.

Joe grumbled in response to Nile’s third attempt to drag him into her and Booker’s conversation. They were talking about art, no less, and every single part of Joe wanted to jump in except for the dark, evil corner of his heart that was still tied to a lab table, writhing with anger. 

He still remembered Nicky shushing him, trying to get him to calm down until they were free. Joe hated the fact that he was angry at the memory. 

Speaking of Nicky, he was very quietly watching Joe work. Logically, Joe knew he was coming off a watch shift, was probably exhausted and cold, but Joe still couldn’t keep the bite out of his words when he asked “what?” 

Nicky looked at him, then at Booker. He sighed in Italian  _ “he really is trying, isn’t he?”  _

Joe stared at him. The angry corner of his heart  _ screamed. _

“Seriously?” Joe asked in English.  _ “Seriously?  _ You too!? Why the fuck can’t you people leave me alone?!”

“What are you talking about?” Booker asked, and Joe gestured frantically. “You! You and me and the fact that everyone thinks I’m some sort of monster for being  _ angry  _ at you!” 

Andy sighed. “Joe, chill-“

“No!” Joe snapped. He was so  _ tired  _ of being told to calm down. “No! Don’t do that, Andy, you  _ know  _ it’s happening. Everyone seems to think you and I need to talk, Book, so hey! Let’s  _ fucking talk!” _

“Joe, please-" Nicky started, and Joe threw down the scope he was cleaning hard enough for there to be an audible crunch. 

“I swear to all that is holy if you do not let me speak my goddamn mind  _ I swear to god Nicolo-"  _ J oe’s voice was low and angry and  _ seething,  _ and Nicky looked so taken aback that he almost regretted it. 

_ Almost. _

“Has it occurred to you -  _ any  _ of you - that maybe, just  _ maybe  _ I’m not ready to have this conversation yet? That I don’t  _ want  _ to be so goddamn pissed at Book that I can’t be in the same room as him?” Joe asked, gesturing widely at the table like he was giving a goddamn presentation. 

“No, it fucking hasn’t, because all of you are still angry and  _ you’re  _ managing just fine. But I can’t manage! Because I guess I’m just some sort of angry fucking monster, and I hate it just as much as you!” 

Booker opened his mouth, and Joe pinned him with a glare, forcing himself to look directly at his brother and ignore the tears burning in his eyes.

“So here it is,  _ Sebastien,”  _ Joe began, sounding positively  _ wrecked.  _ “I am sorry -  _ so so sorry -  _ that you lost them. I am sorry, I really, truly am, that my love was blessed with immortality when yours wasn’t. I’m sorry that you can't get the help you need, I'm sorry you felt like you couldn’t come to us, and more than anything I am  _ so intensely sorry  _ that I apparently made you  _ feel  _ like you couldn’t come to us.” 

Booked opened his mouth again, and Joe hissed “let me finish.”

Obediently, he closed it. The words were finally forcing themselves out, and Joe couldn’t stop them if he tried.

“Your pain, your  _ grief,  _ does not give you one  _ singular  _ excuse for what you did,” Joe said fiercely. “It does  _ not  _ justify what happened and it  _ does fucking not _ mean that I am not allowed to be angry.” 

Joe finally closed his eyes, feeling tears drip down his burning cheeks. He fought to keep the hitch out of his voice. 

“I had to watch the person I love die,” Joe explained, “I had to  _ die,  _ and not just your run of the mill deaths - we were ripped apart and  _ experimented on,  _ and if it wasn’t for the grace of  _ Allah  _ and Nile  _ we would still be there.” _

Joe looked at Booker again, inhaling shakily. “And the whole time - the whole  _ time,  _ I was so worried about you and Andy, because I didn’t want you to end up there. And then you did, and I found out  _ you put us there.” _

The anger rose in him again, and his voice raised “and then, you have the  _ audacity,  _ the  _ fucking nerve  _ to blame me and Nicky?! To look me in the eye and say I never lost anyone, like I haven’t spent 900 years fighting to remember my parents, my siblings, the woman I was going to marry! Like I haven’t lost friends, lost people who shared my faith, lost  _ Quynh.” _

Joe laughs bitterly. “I have watched men who look like me go on television and commit atrocities in the name of my god and you dare to tell me I’ve never lost anything? I have watched my family and the love of my goddamn life die, over and over again, and  _ I’ve never lost anything?!” _

Joe shouted the last part, and he realized he’d risen to his feet. He gritted his teeth, forced himself to breathe. Nicky tried to touch his arm, but Joe jerked it out of his reach. 

“I said a hundred years,” Joe said, trying to keep his voice soft. “I probably would’ve forgiven you sooner but now we’re  _ here,  _ in a shit situation and everyone is  _ forcing me  _ to confront this. So this is what you get, Book. An angry, tired old man who  _ doesn’t know  _ why he can’t forgive you.”

And then, the words were gone. The house was so silent that you could hear the wind beating against it. Joe felt so incredibly wrung out that he had to lock his knees to keep from collapsing.

“Alright,” he said softly, “alright. I need out of here.”

He turned to head for the door, and Nicky caught his sleeve. “Joe, I-“

“No!” Joe snapped, ripping his arm away. Nicky’s eyes were wide and concerned, but Joe just shook his head. He was going to cry, he was going to break the fuck down and he didn’t need Nicky getting caught up in it. 

“No,” Joe managed, disgusted with himself for being so angry. “No.” 

He ran outside, slammed the door, and barely made it ten feet before he collapsed to the ground and sobbed. 

* * *

The house rattled with the force of Joe’s exit, and Nicky decided that getting hit with a  _ train  _ hurt less than this. 

He knew Joe had been struggling since London but this,  _ this…  _ this was an infection, an unchecked flame raging out of control and Nicky had  _ missed it.  _

Nile was the first person to break the silence. “Is he-“

“He’ll be fine,” Andy sighed, discreetly wiping her face. “He - he needed to get that out.”

“That doesn’t mean we should’ve pushed him,” Nicky said immediately. And they had. He knew they had. He knew Andy and Nile wanted all their family in one place. 

He could care less about Booker. He just wanted Joe to smile again. Smile without weights dragging him down. 

He supposed Joe had unloaded some of his weights now, but  _ at what cost. _

“I’m sorry,” Booker whispered, and he looked at Nicky with tears in his eyes “have I said that yet? I’m so sorry.”

“You haven’t,” Nicky sighed, quietly inspecting the scope Joe had slammed on the table, “but I’m not the one who needs to hear it.”

“I’m not going out there, I’m not a complete idiot.”

“Did…” Nile whispered in horror, “did I cause that? I thought the 100 years was unfair but I  _ never  _ meant to-“ 

“It isn’t you,” Nicky shook his head. “Not just you. We all played a part in that, myself included.” 

“Joe feels things strongly,” Andy said, “and he’s occasionally loyal to a fault. He took what happened hard and… well, we could’ve done better giving him space to talk about it.” 

“He burns bright and quick, Andy and I take more time,” Nicky explained softly. “That’s how it’s always been.” 

“You two haven’t forgiven me yet either,” Booker sighed, and Nicky shook his head. “It’s been three months, how could we have?”

“I guess I hoped…” Booker shrugged, “you’ve been treating me the same as ever. Foolish, I know.”

“I do not hate you because we are on a mission,” Nicky explained bluntly. “It is the same reason I didn’t let Joe leave you in that lab. We are in a situation, we need you to get out. As soon as the situation is over and I no longer need you to get my beloved to safety, I will go back to hating you.”

Booked winced, and Nile groaned “seriously, you people need  _ therapy.”  _

“How?” Andy asked, motions now frantic as she cleaned her gun. “Seriously kid - if you know someone who can sort through a thousand years of trauma and grief, be my goddamn guest.” 

Andy finished cleaning, then stood. “I’m going to…”

She faltered because this place was too small to really get away, and with Joe outside no one wanted to leave. 

“... yeah,” she finished feebly, leaving the kitchen. Booker set his gun down and put his head in his hands, sighing. “I know I’ve earned this, but it still sucks.”

“We need time,” Nicky sighed, “and for once, that’s the one thing we don’t have.”

“Is he gonna be okay?” Nile asked, gesturing to the door, and Nicky nodded. “He needs time to cool down. In a few hours, he’ll feel guilty for his outburst, which is stupid, because he deserved it.”

“I should apologize,” Nile looked at Nicky,  _ “how  _ should I apologize like- does he prefer his apologies with food or-“

Nicky laughed a little without humor. “Sorry, no cheating. You’ll figure it out, he likes you.”

He set his cleaned rifle down and went upstairs to try and sleep. The bed was cold and lonely without Joe, and Nicky knew he was going to have to cut the guilt off at the bud if he wanted to get any sleep that night.

* * *

Joe had cried in the grass for a while. Then he’d climbed a tree and cried up there. He’d kicked a few rocks, punched the ground, and now he was sitting on the edge of the porch, emotions spent and debating how he should go inside. 

The door creaked open behind him, and Joe recognized Nicky by smell alone before he recognized him by tread. 

A warm blanket settled around his shoulders, and Nicky set a mug of sweet tea next to him before sitting down with his own coffee in hand.

“I am very sorry,” Nicky began without Joe even looking at him. “I should’ve realized you were so upset, and I should’ve found a healthy outlet for it other than Booker. I never should’ve pushed and I  _ never  _ should’ve let the others put you on the spot like that-“

He looked at Joe. “If I continue, will you at least drink your tea before it gets cold? It’s chilly out here.” 

“By all means keep going, you’re doing great,” Joe said, a genuine smile creeping onto his face as he picked up the mug.

Nicky sighed, “I  _ am  _ sorry, truly. I never - Yusuf, I would never attempt to tell you how to feel. You know that, yes?”

“Yeah well, probably don’t enjoy me exploding like that,” Joe muttered, sipping his tea. Nicky’s hand came to rest on his shoulder, and Joe finally looked at him.

“I don’t like seeing you so hurt and angry,” Nicky said softly, “but I would  _ never  _ attempt to temper your passion, not when it is something I love so much about you.”

Joe sighed, shifting closer to Nicky. “I - I just wish-“

Nicky plucked the mug from his hands and set it aside, then pulled Joe fully into his lap and held him tight. Joe buried his face in Nicky’s neck. 

“I wish I wasn’t so angry,” Joe said softly, “I wish I could at least act like everything was normal. I miss him. He’s right there and I  _ miss him.” _

“I know,” Nicky kissed his head. “I know,  _ Habibi.  _ I would do anything to make your pain go away.”

“It’s not  _ pain-“ _

“It is,” Nicky gave him a gentle squeeze. “It is, and that’s alright. You’re hurting. He hurt you and-“ 

Nicky’s arms tightened in anger this time. “I hate him for it too. You know that, right? You aren’t the only one who’s angry?”

“I know,” Joe sighed. “I just…” 

Nicky pressed kisses to his head repeatedly, shivering as a breeze blew across them. Joe hummer, snuggling closer. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“You earned some yelling. And some crying too I think.” He brushed a finger over the tear tracks on Joe’s face, and Joe laughed, pressing his face into Nicky’s hand.

“I think what we both need is some sleep.” 

And then, there was a rustle in the distance. One that definitely was  _ not  _ the wind.

Nicky chuckled, drawing him close again. “Yes, I would say so.”

Another rustle. Joe chuckled and leaned in close to Nicky’s ear “you hear that, yes?”

“Mm.” Nicky slid a hand casually down Joe’s calf, feeling the knife in his boot. Joe reached for the gun in Nicky’s waistband. 

Rustle. Rustle. Rustle - Joe and Nicky sprang to their feet, weapons drawn.

And out of the bushes, dragging Kozak’s unconscious body behind her, was Quynh. 

“I think I have some explaining to do,” Quynh said, and Joe and Nicky both dropped their weapons in shock.

“What’s all the rack - _Quynh?”_

The boys turned to look at Andy, whose face was suddenly gaunt and grey. 

And Quynh - Quynh dripped Kozak, let out a cry, and sprang at her. Joe darted for his weapon on instinct, but Andy and Quynh were crying, and Andy was holding Quynh as if someone would try to steal her. 

“I think things are going to get better now,” Nicky said, and Joe nodded, smiling for the first time in what felt like forever.

* * *

Two days later, Andy and Quynh were happily reunited. Kozak was dead, although no one could prove that, and Copley was asking what the plans were next.

“Time off,” Nicky said immediately, and everyone turned to look at him. Nicky grabbed Joe’s hand, smiling “I have a promise to keep. I’m three months overdue on a trip to Malta.”

Joe’s smile crinkled his eyes, and Booker sighed. “I guess I still have another 99 years.” 

Joe and Nicky looked away, as did Andy, and Nile shook her head “no, no! I’m not accepting that. It’s just- it’s  _ cruel.  _ Y’all take as much time as you need, I’m sticking with him.” 

Booker stared at her like she’d hung the stars, and Nile grinned at him. 

“I wouldn’t mind a vacation.” Quynh said, leaning back against Andy, and Andy chuckled. “Time off it is then. All of us.” 

Nicky kissed Joe on the temple. “It sounds amazing.”

Copley started to talk about plans, and Booker glanced at Joe. 

Joe gave him a weak smile, and Booker grinned back.

They’d be okay, all of them. 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com!
> 
> I love you all! stay safe!


End file.
